Editors note: the magazine  published below is purely fictional and for entertainment purposes only.The responses are mostly real.

Modern Caveman Magazine caught up with Caveman to discuss the upcoming 24 Hour mountain bike shin-dig going down this weekend.

MC:So what exactly are you doing this weekend?
CM:Racing a mountain bike for 24 hours straight.

MC: Cool. Sounds tough, and fun. Do you ever sleep during the race?

CM: I can sleep when I die. The people that sleep lose the race.

MC: What do you eat and drink?

CM: I try to keep it real. I do have a sports drink called Puresport. It has a lot of protein compared to other sports drinks, and doesn’t upset my stomach. on the munchie side of things, I mostly eat fruit and homemade caveman energy bars, which have stuff like dates, nuts, berries, and honey in them. I’ve been known to take a rabbit or two on the side of the trail for a little midnight snack when fruit sugar isn’t doing it. I probably consume about 50 grams of insects throughout the race as well.

MC: tell us about your ride?

CM: ha. Velocave just published an article about it. My ride is pimp this year. Check it out here.

MC: sweet. why singlespeed?

CM: well Zuzar, why does a woodchuck chuck wood? It’s just the way I roll. Why run gears? SS is lighter and more reliable. Plus, some sections that one would ride lazily on with gears, I am forced to ride harder so I actually feel like SS is an advantage. The few parts I have to walk, the geared guys are probably walking too so it’s no big deal. Last year the creek crossings were muddy, and this wreaked havoc on a lot of geared drivetrains. Plus chicks dig singlespeeders.

MC: How do you ride at night?

CM: I have Caveman night vision. Just kidding, dude. I have a cool lighting system called Ayup. A bunch of kangoroos from Australia make them, that’s why they’re so “cute”

MC: what about when “nature calls”

CM: hey man, that’s personal. but you know, it’s a serious issue that no one ever tells you how to deal with during a 24 hour race. If it’s #1, you try to wait for a long flat or slightly downhill section of trail. Make sure no one is looking and whip it out while cruzin. Takes practice, but you’ll get it down. Pray to God #2 doesn’t come up, but if it does, about your only option is to hold it thereby making you go super duper fast to put a little time on your opponent so that you can spare a minute or two in the port o john when you roll into the pit.

MC: how do you plan on celebrating if you win?

CM: The competition figures to be pretty stiff this year, and I’m not as welled trained as in years past, but I’ll still give ’em hell. If I win, the Caveman victory ceremony will be enacted. A raw steak and Lonestar beer will be consumed. I will look pretty for the cameras, get my pottery, go home, and then sleep for 16 hours straight.

MC: I hear your birthday is on Sunday, the day the race finishes?

CM: Yep, it will be cool riding a bike through the night into the morning of my birthday. I hope I win, that would be the bestest birthday gift ever!

 

Check back in Sunday night, or more likely Monday afternoon to see if Caveman can once again pull off this incredible feat. Good luck to all competitors.