This very Wednesday, November 23, 2011, three key events took place. The night before I found out that Durango did indeed have it’s own Turkey Trot. They have a one mile fun run for $2, or you can pay a little more ($9) for a 5 mile race. Having not trained,run much lately, or otherwise prepared for such a demanding event, the choice was obvious. I signed up for the 5 miler. I’ll let you know how this pans out… Event #2 occurred slightly after #1. I was running barefoot quite a bit until it got cold here. The only shoes I had that were anywhere near suitable for running in the cold were my Xterra trail running shoes that I won at a race a few years back. They are good for ultra technical terrain, but not so much for road running, especially for someone coming from a barefoot background. The thick cushioning and bulkiness is just annoying (and doesn’t promote good form) So I broke down and finally bought some Merrell minimalist shoes.

I went with the Tough Glove, mostly for the way it fit, but also because of the old school leather look. These shoes will not only be a great running shoe on or off road, but a great minimal shoe to wear around town. You can check out the Merrell barefoot collection at Eastern Mountain Sports

The biggest event of the day came after sundown. I wasn’t planning on going downtown this particular evening, but I caught wind that a good friend was going to be at Derailed Saloon to watch a so-so band, so I made my way over there to try and find them. My friend had already left by the time I arrived, but I saw the unmistakable flyer on the door: 2nd Annual Turkey Testical Festival!  I had seen this flyer in the men’s restroom about a month previous, and made a mental note to be in attendance that night, but had totally forgotten about it until my late night stroll.

With 15 minutes to spare, I signed up and began to mentally prepare myself for the task at hand. I looked around the bar to size up my competition. I figured my Caveman instinct might give me an advantage since I had no problem eating organ meats, but there were some pretty burly and drunk dudes in presence that actually looked much crazier and hungrier than I was. I am competitive in nature, but this was completely new territory for me, plus I had already eaten a pretty decent dinner only a few hours before. No worries, I had to crush self doubt and focus on my victory. The format was simple. 21 People signed up, so there would be 4 heats of about 5 contestants each. Winners of each heat would advance to the final round. Each competitor would start with 1 pound of turkey testicles and have 2 1/2 minutes to stuff their mouths with as much balls as possible. If they finished a basket, they would be given another, and so on. There were bountiful pitchers of PBR beer to thin out the viscosity and help wash this rare delicacy down.

My name got drawn for the first round. It was looking good until this super burly, pretty drunk, extremely rambunctious, wolverine dude got called up next to me. I knew he would be the man to beat. Having never entered any kind of eating contest before, much less one involving giant bird testicles, I was un-versed on how to quickly and efficiently lay waste to copious amounts of meat in as little time as possible. I understand it involves relaxing the throat and just swallowing, as well as using liquids (beer in this case) to your advantage, but I had not the practice, nor the barbaric willpower of the man sitting next to me. I was barely able to put away the first pound of meat in 150 seconds while my mighty foe was just about ready to start on his third pound.

I do not know that I have ever been dealt such an ass whooping as I did this very night, but at the same time, never was an ass whooping so much fun and so delicious. In case you are wondering, they are lightly breaded and fried, much the same way calf fries are. Taste kinda like dark chicken, with a slight hint of white turkey meat. I’d recommend them! (although I think they are nearly impossible to find). The guy that slaughtered me in round one went on to win the final round and earn his trip to Las Vegas. Next year I shall put forth a little more preparation and work on my mental toughness to try and crack the podium.

I’ll be spending Thanksgiving in Durango this year. It’s only the second time in 30 years that I haven’t spent it with family in Terrell. I just couldn’t afford the trip home, at least with Christmas around the corner. Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and family back home. Always remember to count your blessings, not your problems. Go Cowboys and Hook ‘Em Horns.